February 27, 2010

I’ve realized “my notes” have become my journal. I spent some time reading over a few older postings and I’m seeing how I have processed everything over the past few months. My journaling has become a journey. A journey through grief, spiritual growth, empty nest, and just being a 47 year old woman who’s starting life over. Talk about fear!

My last phone conversation with my oldest son will stay with me forever. I’m an RN who was working with a hospice program at that time and I was on a 45 minute drive to see a hospice patient. My personal cell phone rang and I saw it was a blocked call. Now you have to understand, “blocked” to me meant either Tyler or Daniel. Tyler was “over there” and Daniel was in Ecuador. Both of their calls came through as “blocked”. I would always lunge for my phone if I saw that word! Strange concept, but that’s how it was at the time.

Anyway, I answered and a voice said “Mom?” I said “Tyler?” He had such lightness in his voice that I almost didn’t recognize it! We proceeded to talk about the usual “hey’s” and “how are you’s” and just general topics. He then said to me “Mom, I want to share with you what I’ve learned during my time here on the outpost. I’ve come to realize when things get tough; distractions aren’t what a person needs. Mom, I know the next few months are going to be hard for you with Anna Laura going off to college and you’ll have that empty nest thing going on. Take my advice and don’t fill your life with distractions! Turn to God, and know you can also lean on me, even though I’m over here. Mom! My relationship with the Lord has gotten stronger because I’ve been stripped of distractions. I want the same for you.”

I remember pulling over and saying, “Tyler, it’s just so hard!” He said, “I know Mom and it’s going to get harder before it gets better. That’s Satan’s way.” “Just know, God's there and you can always count on me.” I even argued with him a bit about how can a person can get rid of distractions when all you’re doing is working and just living. He said “it’s easy. Just be still at times throughout the day. Take a deep breath and listen to your heart.” We then talked more of mundane things and he then said, “Mom! I love you and I want only the best for you. You have to have faith. Remember the mustard seed necklace I gave you for Christmas last year?” I said “yes Tyler, you told me when you gave it to me that faith was like a mustard seed.” He then said, “Take it out and wear it and know that a little faith goes a long way”.

We ended the conversation with me crying and telling him how much I love him and how I worry so much about his safety. He, of course, said then, “Don’t worry Mom! It’s all in God’s hands.”

I hung up the phone, collected myself, and continued my drive. I then held the hand of a 32 year old woman as she died that day of ovarian cancer. Tyler didn’t know it, nor did I, that I was being prepared for his death. He was transferred shortly after that conversation from the outpost to the action. I never got to hear his voice again as he became very busy and just wrote emails. Then on September 10, 2009 he was killed!

Now, I remember his advice and I’m taking it. He knew and I knew! He had hopes and dreams, but he knew. I don’t worry about things as I used to anymore. I take deep breaths during the day and I listen to my heart speak. I have faith that God will take care of me no matter what.

Life’s worth living, not worrying.

God bless!
Lona

February 26, 2010
I received a card from a wonderful and true friend who has helped me cope with all I've had to deal with over the past few years. This woman is spiritual and wise and has had her share of sorrows. In the card she wrote:

Lona,
I just want to share this prayer with you. God is with us.

"Father, when I face the hard seasons of life, I know that you are with me. I know that you have a plan. Please hold onto me, Father and give me greater faith to face my trials. Father, allow my prayers to lift someone's burden today. Show me who needs your loving touch and allow me to intercede for them. Help me make a difference in someone else's life."

Love,
Marcia

These are the prayers I have been saying in my heart, but she was able to put them down for me to speak the words. Thank you my friend!

Please, everyone use this prayer to help your own life and to touch someone else's life. This is why we are here on this earth.

Lona

February 24, 2010

February 24, 2010

Thanks go out to my lovely daughter, Anna Laura, who pointed this song out to me. One thing I’ve always shared with my children is a love of music and lyrics. She knew this one would speak to me. It’s even better when you hear Alicia Keys perform it. I suggest if you like the lyrics, purchase the song. This one picks me up when I feel down. Thanks Annie!

A tribute to womanhood and to all you mothers out there. Lona

"Superwoman" by Alicia Keys

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

Feb 21, 2010

February 21, 2010

It’s been a while since my last writing. I spent a month studying for the Florida Real Estate
Exam which was extremely challenging given all that has been going on in my and my children’s lives.

Grief does crazy things to your head. I felt rage at times, extreme anguish at times, and extreme sorrow at times. I even at one point tried to blame someone or anyone. I had to clear my life of the drugs I was depending on to cope. I had to get back to the basics. The craziness of it all! Last trip home Anna Laura helped me pack all the letters, newspapers, cards, absolutely everything we had of Tyler’s that was spread throughout our home into two trunks and we carried them upstairs. His medals are displayed, but all the other things had to be tucked away for the present time so I can focus on Daniel and Anna Laura.

Daniel is getting ready to graduate West Point! He is moving forward with such courage. He doesn’t want me to pull him out and I can! He’s the sole surviving son. As an officer, of which he will be upon graduation, I could request he be put in non-combat leadership position and he doesn’t want that. I’m afraid to lose another child to this war, but I also know he could be hit by a car and killed just as easy. It’s his life, his choice. I’m his mother but I am not the first mother to lose a child to war. I think of all the mothers throughout history that have sacrificed. Daniel has his branch and his post. Anna Laura has transferred schools and is in a huge adjustment phase. I haven’t let go of Tyler, but I needed to make some adjustments till summer. We all miss him so much but we feel him pressing us on daily.

I guess I am reinventing myself while living on faith and prayers. Change does begin with me and I have to make a conscious effort to keep pressing forward. I’ve learned lately that for so long I thought I was a victim of circumstances and now I see that the way I react to situations may be the defining moment that can open or close a door.

I miss the family I had………………my little ones. I now have to look at life differently. Tyler’s death has taught me so much. Nothing is for granted. I still ask, God why him? I then look to the heavens and know that is where we will all end up sooner or later. Heaven or hell and that’s basically a choice.

While here on this earth, we must live. Ask yourself, what would I do today if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? A provocative thought. It changes the way you think, love, feel, forgive and live. Only 5 months since his death and so many changes.

Daniel, Anna Laura and Dave are going to Mount Kilimanjaro in June for Tyler. I’m going in August. I’m doing this for him and myself. Pikes Peak is this summer, for him. Life goes on.

Lona

Letter from Danny Waldrip. Written Dec 15, 2009

Posted with his permission.

Danny Lynn Waldrip December 15, 2009 at 4:17pm
Dear Mrs. Lona,

I decided to send this to you on Facebook since it came out so long it would over fill a Christmas card envelope and I'm way behind with those anyway. I started writing these cards some time ago and I mainly had you in mind when I started them. I intended to write them all by hand and I realized yesterday that if I don’t step up the pace, I’m not going to get done with half of what I intended. So yours is the first one I am writing with help from the computer.

I want to share with you some things that I noticed in Tyler. I’m not sure if I told you but I only met Tyler once while he was home in June 2007 following his graduation from West Point. He was supporting Allison at the Miss Arkansas pageant. He and I talked for the better part of an hour about the Army’s dire need for bright young officers and various other things related to the Army. Tyler impressed me most with his humility. Although he is undoubtedly the most brilliant young man I will ever meet in my life, he carried himself with such humility that it was inspiring in itself. It was a remarkable visit we had!

Some years ago, while I was serving in Los Angeles as an Army recruiter, the Army saw fit to introduce the Army values to the Soldiers we are training and mentoring nowadays. When I was growing up on the farm, I was Uncle Mark’s shadow until I joined the Army. Being as I came from much the same type of family as Tyler, I think I tended to forget that not all of us are so blessed to grow up in a place where these values are taught from a very early age. The Army realized that if we, as leaders, expect our Soldiers to have values we must teach them those values. After all, it’s not their fault that they may not have been raised in such a place as Tyler and I. You have likely heard of these values since Daniel is on his way to being a West Point graduate and in your interaction with other friends from the Army that Tyler served with. However, I want to touch briefly on each of them and use them as talking points for things that I saw in your son. I hope that I am not being too wordy for you but I believe that LT will always be a part of me whether I remain in the Army another few years or return to the civilian world.

Loyalty – In listening to Daniel’s description of how Tyler lived and how he died, I cannot think of any more accurate word to describe Tyler than loyal. This word is about bearing true faith and allegiance to the U.S. Constitution and devoting yourself to something or someone. A loyal Soldier supports the leadership and stands up for fellow Soldiers. We, as Soldiers, express our loyalty by simply wearing the uniform. By doing our share, we show loyalty to our unit. By anyone’s standards, LT always did more than his share. His Soldiers now know what right looks like and will never accept anything less and this is to the credit of Tyler and the benefit of his unit and the Army.

The Non-Commissioned Officer creed contains a line which reads “I will be loyal to those with whom I serve; seniors, peers and subordinates alike.” Tyler displayed his loyalty in many ways. He accepted his assignment to the S-1 shop even though he naturally wanted a platoon and eventually got one. He did this out of a sense of loyalty to the officers above him as well as his knowledge of God’s will for his life and how we are not in control. We are all just pawns on the Master’s chess board. Tyler knew and accepted this. This attitude is one which you helped to instill in him as a child as opposed to one he learned in the Army as so many young Soldiers do. Thank you for raising such an amazing son, Christian, Soldier, citizen and leader.

Duty – This one is all about fulfilling your obligation as a Soldier, and in Tyler’s case a leader, of Soldiers. Doing your duty as a Soldier goes far beyond carrying out your assigned tasks and expands into training your Soldiers to function as a team. Tyler took a group of disgruntled Soldiers from different combat arms career fields and molded them into a tight, cohesive team capable of reacting at a moment’s notice to any number of emergency situations. These situations called for a combat leader who was up to the task. Tyler was that leader. Tyler was the type of leader we all pray that we get. He was the type who always chose the hard right over the easy wrong. When you have a functional moral compass like Tyler did, this is easy….but not all leaders do.

Respect – Respect is all about treating people as you would want them to treat you. Granted this is not a hard concept. We learn it in kindergarten for the most part, or at least we used to. Respect is what allows us to appreciate the best in other people and to trust that all Soldiers have done their jobs and fulfilled their duty. Self-respect is a vital ingredient with the Army value of respect. It comes from knowing you have put forth your best effort. Anyone who ever met Tyler, let alone worked with him, can tell you he always put forth his best effort in everything he did from composing and singing a song to Dr. Gist at her retirement to graduating at the top 10% of his West Point class. Tyler was in a class by himself.

Selfless Service – Only two types of people have ever offered to give their lives for their fellow man. Jesus Christ died for the sins of all mankind. Soldiers die for our freedom. Tyler stared the enemy squarely in the face and did not flinch, attacking up a hill to take the fighting position necessary to protect Soldiers whose lives were in great danger. In doing so, he put the welfare of the United States, the Army and his subordinates before his own. Tyler had no thought of recognition or personal gain. He had nothing on his mind but kicking ass and taking names and looking out for his Soldiers and he took the fight to the enemy right up to his dying breath. Our God, our country and our Soldiers could never ask for more than this.

Greater love hath no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

Honor – Honor is simply about living up to the Army values. The Congressional Medal of Honor, our Nation’s highest award, goes to Soldiers who make honor a matter of daily living and develop the habit of being honorable and solidify that choice with every choice they make. It’s a matter of carrying out, acting and living the Army values in everything you do. Tyler lived the Army values! Some officers are saluted simply because the Army tells us, as subordinates, we must render them the proper courtesy in accordance with their rank. Then, there are the select few whom we salute with a little extra pep in our step, a little more volume in our voice when we say “good morning LT” or “Sledgehammer Sir”. We take a little more pride in having them as our brothers in arms because we know the sort of leaders they are and we know extra respect is due to extraordinary leaders. This is Tyler’s category.

Integrity – Integrity is about doing what is right, legally and morally. As Christians, this is easy as pie because we all answer to a higher authority and we are ever aware of that fact. At times, we may find ourselves in a potential “ethical dilemma”. However, those of us who have our moral compass calibrated seldom, if ever, find ourselves in these situations. If and when we do, we don’t see them as dilemmas at all. Black is black and white is white. There are no grey areas. Integrity is a quality we develop by following moral principles, of which most is taught to us in church and from our mothers. Most boys from farming communities like ours have been whipped for lying at some point. That is not a whipping a boy is likely to ever forget. As Christian adults, we know that God is always watching so we tend to behave accordingly. I have seen the West Point Honor Code. It says “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do”. I cannot envision Tyler ever doing anything to deceive others. This is something you instilled in him as your son. I salute you, Mrs. Lona. You are a model mother and you mothered 2 model sons and a model daughter.

Personal Courage – Part of this deals with facing moral fear or adversity. Often, as Christians, we encounter situations where the actions we take are not popular with others. I have found myself in that boat more times than I care to recall. However, I am not here to win a popularity contest. I am here to lead Soldiers and that is what I intend to do. Tyler placed his Soldier’s needs and well being ahead of his own, both in garrison and in combat. I cannot imagine the courage it must have taken for Tyler to have charged up that mountain to secure the high ground knowing full well he might be on his last mission.

To summarize Tyler’s service, he not only lived the Army values…he lived the Soldier’s creed.

The Soldier’s Creed

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team. I serve the people of the United States and live the Army values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.

Feb 2, 2010 From Lena Steiner

February 2 at 5:20pm

Lena RW Steiner

Hi Lona,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I just wanted to see how you've been doing. I hear you are going to be climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro! That sounds awesome!

All is going well here. Many of the ladies of 3-61 have started training for the May 16th Denver/Colfax Marathon. You are welcome to join us if you are available.

Speaking of marathons, wanted to tell you about how Tyler helped me finish the Disney marathon. It was a pretty rough experience in general because it was FREEZING (like 20 degrees in Florida!). I actually slipped and fell at mile 6 because all the watering stations had turned into sheets of ice. Not fun. I was feeling good from mile 10-20, but knew I had to pick up the pace in the last 6 miles to make my goal of finishing in under 5 hours. When I hit mile 20, they were playing "Don't Stop Believing" over the loud speakers and I couldn't help but think of you and your family, and of course, Tyler. I definitely got emotional, but then pushed myself just a little bit harder and finished the race in 4 hours and 56 minutes! You and Tyler continue to be an inspiration for me and I just want to thank you for all that you do.

If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call or email me anytime. You and your family are continually in my prayers.

God Bless,

Lena Steiner

Feb 2, 2010

Feb 2, 2010

Wow! Today I have walked into my Jonesboro home for the first time since Christmas. As most know I have rented a place at the beach to recover for the year and I come to Jonesboro once a month with a girlfriend who does the same. She has been doing it over a year and I saw the way out and I took it. As I pulled in the driveway and opened the garage I saw remnnents of post office boxes of the huge military support drive that Anna Laura’s school did after Tyler’s death. I pulled my vehicle in the garage and noticed the American Flag draped carefully in the corner since my departure after Christmas. Along the side of it was the broken faced Santa that I’ve had for years that Anna Laura put out before Christmas. He had fallen over so much his face had fallen off. I couldn’t help but laugh.

I gritted my teeth and unlocked the garage door. I started to quickly unload my car with out turning on the lights; since it was dusk and I could still make out objects and didn’t want to look around. I just wanted to get it all done. I saw the neatly piles of mail on my island in the kitchen and tried to ignore it until the unloading was done. I never turned on lights, just the heat, and quickly finished the task at hand. After all was out of my car and the trash thrown away, I flipped on the kitchen lights. The air was sucked out of my lungs. You know someone loves you when you have been gone three weeks and the mail has been completely open, categorized, on the island, with the appropriate notes. My plants were alive and healthy.

My sister, who is nine years younger than me with three small children, under the age of six, still took the time to do all of this for me. In the dining room were of the two trunks that I had brought home with me with some of Tyler’s possessions, most of which were of Afghanistan. On top were the things I had promised to certain people that I would send to them. I tried not to look at it as I went though the mail. So many sweet letters of love from complete strangers to me but who had known my son. With them were a couple of gifts. I jotted down in my notebook to send thank you notes to each person. As I did that I thought, “How many thank you notes have I left out?” The past few months are a complete blur. I then tried to go through statements and bills that have come in. Most all are on automatic draft, of which, I recommend to everyone, is a good thing in a time like this. I then came to a check and a paystub. Tyler’s last paycheck! It was split between his father and me. I began to shake! What now? Pour myself a glass of wine? No, I needed to get through this. I went through my tax documents, junk mail and more letters from people I didn’t know who explained to me how they loved my son. I categorized everything in the kitchen and proceeded to take it all to my office. There’s where the shock and pain really began and …….for tonight, I will end.

I can not express in writing at this particular time of my feelings of recollection of that horrible night when I found out of Tyler’s death or what I feel at the present time. I will pick this up at a later date. Just to understand. I found out about his death in this office and I am caretaker of his remains until Daniel decides what to do. To be continued………..Lona