Feb 21, 2010

February 21, 2010

It’s been a while since my last writing. I spent a month studying for the Florida Real Estate
Exam which was extremely challenging given all that has been going on in my and my children’s lives.

Grief does crazy things to your head. I felt rage at times, extreme anguish at times, and extreme sorrow at times. I even at one point tried to blame someone or anyone. I had to clear my life of the drugs I was depending on to cope. I had to get back to the basics. The craziness of it all! Last trip home Anna Laura helped me pack all the letters, newspapers, cards, absolutely everything we had of Tyler’s that was spread throughout our home into two trunks and we carried them upstairs. His medals are displayed, but all the other things had to be tucked away for the present time so I can focus on Daniel and Anna Laura.

Daniel is getting ready to graduate West Point! He is moving forward with such courage. He doesn’t want me to pull him out and I can! He’s the sole surviving son. As an officer, of which he will be upon graduation, I could request he be put in non-combat leadership position and he doesn’t want that. I’m afraid to lose another child to this war, but I also know he could be hit by a car and killed just as easy. It’s his life, his choice. I’m his mother but I am not the first mother to lose a child to war. I think of all the mothers throughout history that have sacrificed. Daniel has his branch and his post. Anna Laura has transferred schools and is in a huge adjustment phase. I haven’t let go of Tyler, but I needed to make some adjustments till summer. We all miss him so much but we feel him pressing us on daily.

I guess I am reinventing myself while living on faith and prayers. Change does begin with me and I have to make a conscious effort to keep pressing forward. I’ve learned lately that for so long I thought I was a victim of circumstances and now I see that the way I react to situations may be the defining moment that can open or close a door.

I miss the family I had………………my little ones. I now have to look at life differently. Tyler’s death has taught me so much. Nothing is for granted. I still ask, God why him? I then look to the heavens and know that is where we will all end up sooner or later. Heaven or hell and that’s basically a choice.

While here on this earth, we must live. Ask yourself, what would I do today if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? A provocative thought. It changes the way you think, love, feel, forgive and live. Only 5 months since his death and so many changes.

Daniel, Anna Laura and Dave are going to Mount Kilimanjaro in June for Tyler. I’m going in August. I’m doing this for him and myself. Pikes Peak is this summer, for him. Life goes on.

Lona