Lona's Voice

February 27, 2010

I’ve realized “my notes” have become my journal. I spent some time reading over a few older postings and I’m seeing how I have processed everything over the past few months. My journaling has become a journey. A journey through grief, spiritual growth, empty nest, and just being a 47 year old woman who’s starting life over. Talk about fear!

My last phone conversation with my oldest son will stay with me forever. I’m an RN who was working with a hospice program at that time and I was on a 45 minute drive to see a hospice patient. My personal cell phone rang and I saw it was a blocked call. Now you have to understand, “blocked” to me meant either Tyler or Daniel. Tyler was “over there” and Daniel was in Ecuador. Both of their calls came through as “blocked”. I would always lunge for my phone if I saw that word! Strange concept, but that’s how it was at the time.

Anyway, I answered and a voice said “Mom?” I said “Tyler?” He had such lightness in his voice that I almost didn’t recognize it! We proceeded to talk about the usual “hey’s” and “how are you’s” and just general topics. He then said to me “Mom, I want to share with you what I’ve learned during my time here on the outpost. I’ve come to realize when things get tough; distractions aren’t what a person needs. Mom, I know the next few months are going to be hard for you with Anna Laura going off to college and you’ll have that empty nest thing going on. Take my advice and don’t fill your life with distractions! Turn to God, and know you can also lean on me, even though I’m over here. Mom! My relationship with the Lord has gotten stronger because I’ve been stripped of distractions. I want the same for you.”

I remember pulling over and saying, “Tyler, it’s just so hard!” He said, “I know Mom and it’s going to get harder before it gets better. That’s Satan’s way.” “Just know, God's there and you can always count on me.” I even argued with him a bit about how can a person can get rid of distractions when all you’re doing is working and just living. He said “it’s easy. Just be still at times throughout the day. Take a deep breath and listen to your heart.” We then talked more of mundane things and he then said, “Mom! I love you and I want only the best for you. You have to have faith. Remember the mustard seed necklace I gave you for Christmas last year?” I said “yes Tyler, you told me when you gave it to me that faith was like a mustard seed.” He then said, “Take it out and wear it and know that a little faith goes a long way”.

We ended the conversation with me crying and telling him how much I love him and how I worry so much about his safety. He, of course, said then, “Don’t worry Mom! It’s all in God’s hands.”

I hung up the phone, collected myself, and continued my drive. I then held the hand of a 32 year old woman as she died that day of ovarian cancer. Tyler didn’t know it, nor did I, that I was being prepared for his death. He was transferred shortly after that conversation from the outpost to the action. I never got to hear his voice again as he became very busy and just wrote emails. Then on September 10, 2009 he was killed!

Now, I remember his advice and I’m taking it. He knew and I knew! He had hopes and dreams, but he knew. I don’t worry about things as I used to anymore. I take deep breaths during the day and I listen to my heart speak. I have faith that God will take care of me no matter what.

Life’s worth living, not worrying.

God bless!
Lona