Feb 2, 2010

Feb 2, 2010

Wow! Today I have walked into my Jonesboro home for the first time since Christmas. As most know I have rented a place at the beach to recover for the year and I come to Jonesboro once a month with a girlfriend who does the same. She has been doing it over a year and I saw the way out and I took it. As I pulled in the driveway and opened the garage I saw remnnents of post office boxes of the huge military support drive that Anna Laura’s school did after Tyler’s death. I pulled my vehicle in the garage and noticed the American Flag draped carefully in the corner since my departure after Christmas. Along the side of it was the broken faced Santa that I’ve had for years that Anna Laura put out before Christmas. He had fallen over so much his face had fallen off. I couldn’t help but laugh.

I gritted my teeth and unlocked the garage door. I started to quickly unload my car with out turning on the lights; since it was dusk and I could still make out objects and didn’t want to look around. I just wanted to get it all done. I saw the neatly piles of mail on my island in the kitchen and tried to ignore it until the unloading was done. I never turned on lights, just the heat, and quickly finished the task at hand. After all was out of my car and the trash thrown away, I flipped on the kitchen lights. The air was sucked out of my lungs. You know someone loves you when you have been gone three weeks and the mail has been completely open, categorized, on the island, with the appropriate notes. My plants were alive and healthy.

My sister, who is nine years younger than me with three small children, under the age of six, still took the time to do all of this for me. In the dining room were of the two trunks that I had brought home with me with some of Tyler’s possessions, most of which were of Afghanistan. On top were the things I had promised to certain people that I would send to them. I tried not to look at it as I went though the mail. So many sweet letters of love from complete strangers to me but who had known my son. With them were a couple of gifts. I jotted down in my notebook to send thank you notes to each person. As I did that I thought, “How many thank you notes have I left out?” The past few months are a complete blur. I then tried to go through statements and bills that have come in. Most all are on automatic draft, of which, I recommend to everyone, is a good thing in a time like this. I then came to a check and a paystub. Tyler’s last paycheck! It was split between his father and me. I began to shake! What now? Pour myself a glass of wine? No, I needed to get through this. I went through my tax documents, junk mail and more letters from people I didn’t know who explained to me how they loved my son. I categorized everything in the kitchen and proceeded to take it all to my office. There’s where the shock and pain really began and …….for tonight, I will end.

I can not express in writing at this particular time of my feelings of recollection of that horrible night when I found out of Tyler’s death or what I feel at the present time. I will pick this up at a later date. Just to understand. I found out about his death in this office and I am caretaker of his remains until Daniel decides what to do. To be continued………..Lona